what's in a year?

alot actually. they come and go, often without much notice. well, unless you're a woman, and then perhaps you wake regularly to find a new wrinkle or sun spot where there wasn't one before. in my short 23 years, i can't really say one year stands out more than another. of course there are milestones: 2004 - when I first went into treatment, 2005 - high school graduation, 2009 - college graduation, and 2009 - will and i married. those are just some of the more recent ones.

then there was this year: 2010. it began at a fast pace, with me working two jobs, and will immediately taking a jan-term course, followed by the spring semester. by may we were both feeling drawn closer to home. God opened some doors for that, and then closed them, or maybe just postponed them. work for us both has been difficult at times, for various reasons. we prayed for direction, for answers as to where and what the Lord would have us do. we did so separately and together, putting our own hearts desires on the back burner. we felt passionately that He was guiding us one way, still do, but know His timing is the best timing - and that just isn't right now.

so we pressed on, and began to pray about family. we ultimately decided to leave it in God's hands. on november 7th we found out we were pregnant. we were filled with a new kind of hope for our future, for our family to be, for this precious child we desired to know the Lord in the way we did. almost as quickly as this blessing was given to us, it was taken away. on november 25th i miscarried at a couple days shy of 8 weeks. worst day of my life, hands down. again, we felt confused and our hearts ached, but we know His timing is the best timing - and that just isn't right now.

i don't say any of this lightly. i can't begin to express the emotional ups and downs of this year by simply writing about it. you'd have to be inside my head and my heart to know the depths of anguish and brokenness i have felt. but i am reminded that "to whom much is given, much is required."

God has protected me and blessed me through my 9 year battle with anorexia and bulimia. He has guarded and guided my footsteps, provided perfect positions for me to work in, given me resources in times of need, and been my unwavering source of strength, when i was anything but deserving. through any and all heartache - i have been given so very much. above all the ultimate gift of redemption through His son Christ Jesus. so yeah, he's got some requirements for me too.

He continues to refine me through my greatest weakness: patience. it is His timing, not my own. so when i think about 2010, there is a big part of me that reflects in sadness, but the rest of me rejoices in knowing that this is just preparation for all the years to come.