Saturday, December 18, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Come let me hold you, child.
"Two months is too little. They let him go, they had no sudden healing. To think that Providence would take a child from his mother while she prays is appalling. Who told us we'd be rescued? What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares? We're asking why this happens, to us who have died to live. It's unfair. This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved, and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held."
These words from Natalie Grant's song, "Held," have been resounding in my head for the past several days. It fits in many ways to what Will and I are walking through at this very moment. Days shy of two months, we lost our precious baby. Maybe only a dream to some at such an early stage, but she was ours (I say she because I dreamt of her three nights). She was our surprise and miracle all wrapped into one. I never once panicked or had fear about her. I thought about bills and space, and lack of family and friends to support us here in Louisville, but when it came to being a parent to this child, I knew it would be okay. I believed, and still do, that God would take care of us, that he would see to it that all our needs were met if we trusted and followed after him.
Though miscarriage is always a possibility, I did not allow myself to go there. If I had, it would have consumed me, and the days I experienced so much joy over this life would not have been. Needless to say, it came as a horrible shock, and one we won't ever forget.
All of this I say because it is easy to trust and follow after the Lord, when He blesses you, or when life is good. When everything falls apart and questions arise from within, not so easy.
God has brought me out of many dark places in my life, and this one should be no different. It has been through this very situation that I have recognized my own lack of faith. I was so encouraged and unshaken by my pregnancy, and so broken and defeated at its disappearance. While many of the emotions Will and I have been feeling are normal, my unbelief of God taking care of everything has been a sobering reality.
I may never know why this happened. I do know that God IS totally and completely in control, and that I am no one to question who he is and what he is doing. While the hurt and sadness remain, I'll reside with my Father. Trusting and following after him, when it isn't easy. And he will hold me.
These words from Natalie Grant's song, "Held," have been resounding in my head for the past several days. It fits in many ways to what Will and I are walking through at this very moment. Days shy of two months, we lost our precious baby. Maybe only a dream to some at such an early stage, but she was ours (I say she because I dreamt of her three nights). She was our surprise and miracle all wrapped into one. I never once panicked or had fear about her. I thought about bills and space, and lack of family and friends to support us here in Louisville, but when it came to being a parent to this child, I knew it would be okay. I believed, and still do, that God would take care of us, that he would see to it that all our needs were met if we trusted and followed after him.
Though miscarriage is always a possibility, I did not allow myself to go there. If I had, it would have consumed me, and the days I experienced so much joy over this life would not have been. Needless to say, it came as a horrible shock, and one we won't ever forget.
All of this I say because it is easy to trust and follow after the Lord, when He blesses you, or when life is good. When everything falls apart and questions arise from within, not so easy.
God has brought me out of many dark places in my life, and this one should be no different. It has been through this very situation that I have recognized my own lack of faith. I was so encouraged and unshaken by my pregnancy, and so broken and defeated at its disappearance. While many of the emotions Will and I have been feeling are normal, my unbelief of God taking care of everything has been a sobering reality.
I may never know why this happened. I do know that God IS totally and completely in control, and that I am no one to question who he is and what he is doing. While the hurt and sadness remain, I'll reside with my Father. Trusting and following after him, when it isn't easy. And he will hold me.
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